dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
