Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
