There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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