I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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