I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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