Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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