there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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