So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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