Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She even gives head with a lisp.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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