haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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