he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
