we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
