watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
