i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
