Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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