it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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