I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
