they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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