you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
