I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
