Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There are leaves in my underwear?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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