She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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