The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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