I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
