I think my fart just growled at me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
