so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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