Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
