i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I CAN MOONWALK!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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