The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
