I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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