Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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