chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
