Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can't turn off my feet"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
