i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
