I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
