Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
