he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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