my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
