my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
