I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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