I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have already put on my inside pants.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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