Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
