So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
