i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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