the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
