I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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