Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
