After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
