Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
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in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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