i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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