Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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